My strive for control and autonomy manifested in “anger issues”. I learned early, personal relationships had too many uncontrolled factors so the avoidance trait shifted squarely in the people column. Being financially independent with a secure job solidify my conclusion. Contention in my personal relationship was a sign of pride that all my energy went into my job. Contention became unbearable (usually by the other party) especially after the 2 year mark where my masking dwindled. Like clockwork, the other gets blinded-sided with my anger issues and I, in turn, resent that the other isn’t accepting of me for who I am. I would disengage & embrace my anger more as relationship sabataging technique to get out, often the other doing the break-up, removing guilt and camoulaging there was a problem with me. Rinse & repeat.

It is not until my current relationship at the age of 48 that I “care”. I place the revelation squarely on how deeply connected T is to nature, animals and his feelings. He is the first to have sort of non-verbal language that no one else has that I’ve grown to love (friend or romantic). A verbal quietness that is similar (though not as large as mine), but like mine enough to grasp and connect… for the first time in my life. He didn’t have, what I found so many do… diarrhea of the mouth.